Mending The Heart

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of the car accident that nearly cost me my life. As I was driving back roads to avoid traffic my sea foam green 1991 Mercury Sable was hit by a fully loaded cement truck heading to a job site. My car was hit on the passenger side and then spun head on into a telephone pole, cutting it in half. Amazingly my only injury was a 3 inch long incision in the back of my head so deep that it needed a double set of stitches. Considering the severity of the crash, it's incredible I did not suffer any long lasting effects or injuries (with the exception of possible damage to my already horrible sense of balance). 

Thinking about the accident today caused me to reflect on a more recent trauma I suffered and why we're so ready to openly share our experiences with some forms of trauma but do everything we can to keep others hidden. Why is this? 

I have always been an extremely open person. I've even written about my battle with depression and suicidal thoughts on this blog and so I've decided to write about another extremely personal experience in hopes that it will help me cope and connect with other women who have gone through a similar experience. 

Late in the evening on July 17th 2014, at 7 weeks along, I suffered a miscarriage. 

I was in the ER at Fort Carson's Evans Hospital with my husband. I hadn't wanted to go to the ER, out of fear that they would consider me over dramatic. Women had been going through this since the dawn of time without a hospital so I would be fine. Well, when my husband rushed home from work (after receiving a frantic phone call from me) to find me laying on our bathroom floor screaming for him to make the pain stop, he insisted we were going whether I wanted to or not. 

The ER was a complete disaster in the beginning. It took 30-45 minutes to admit me even though Fernando says I was clearly the worst looking patient there, although he is slightly biased. I was on the verge of passing out both from blood loss and excruciating pain. It also took 6 tries to get an IV in me, both to take blood to test my HGC and CBC levels, and get fluids into my body since they suspected dehydration. I don't even remember most of this. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally, by this point I knew I was having a miscarriage and I think my brain sort of checked out. After I was admitted and saw the on duty ER doctor my brain seemed to be much clearer and the pain was beginning to subside.

I'll spare everyone the gory details here but I will say that I am extremely glad I miscarried in the hospital instead of at home. Especially because I had a severe panic attack about 20 minutes post miscarriage. So severe in fact that it caused the doctor to order an MRI to make sure I didn't have a blood clot in my lungs. 

Every woman who miscarries goes through a completely different grieving process. Talking to the multiple women in my life who have also suffered miscarriages, I've realized that some of my feelings match there's and others don't. The biggest lesson I've learned from all of this is that while grieving all feelings should be recognized an excepted. Everything I've felt and continue to feel is valid. My grief is valid. I'm allowed to be angry, mad, sad, depressed, ect ect ect. All within the same 5 minutes if its what my body needs.

At first I felt really really angry. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT an angry person. It takes a lot to make my angry, but this experience was a lot. It tested me. It broke me to my core.

It all felt so unfair at first, and still does, although I'm in a place now where that unfairness doesn't make me angry. I did everything the way I was supposed to; I went to college then got married then bought a house then got pregnant. I did everything the "right" way. So why did this happen to me? I had already experienced so many bad things in my life, why did the universe have to add yet another to the list? All I've ever wanted to be is a mother, I read books on parenting so that I can be a better nanny, so why was this being taken from me of all people?

So unfair. 

After a few days when the anger subsided the depression started to set in. I've always struggled with depression so this was no surprise. The first week was especially hard, I had panic attacks in both Whole Foods and REI before realizing I just wasn't ready to be in public. Seeing everyone happily going about their day only seemed to magnify my suffering. This is also the reason I had to delete my Twitter and Facebook, the constant pictures of updates of peoples happy lives made mine seem even more miserable at the time. 

But then I got a manicure and a pedicure with a good friend who came down to hang out with me. I shopped online. I read a lot. Cried a lot. And started to heal. The second week was easier, and I honestly feel like a new person in my third week post miscarriage: like I've been living in a dark cave for the past two weeks and I've finally wandered out into the sun this past week.

In tough times some people cope with alcohol or drugs, and I can understand why. I however cope with exercise and caffeine. I've recently started running again (something I haven't done in years), hiking more often and attending yoga classes once a week. All of this has been instrumental in my recovery process (I also regularly attend therapy sessions, something I did before the miscarriage). 

Although many women focus on getting pregnant again as quickly as possible after a miscarriage, I am not. I need time to grieve, time to recover, time to heal. And I plan to give myself as much time as necessary to accomplish all of this. 

Part of my recovery is sharing my experience with others. After going through this I wondered: why are we so willing to share almost every aspect of our daily lives (social media) but so uncomfortable sharing our tragedies and traumas? Shouldn't we be using these platforms to help ourselves feel less alone? To help cope and connect and recover? Miscarriages especially are still something we, as women, don't openly discuss with the world. Even though science has proven it is almost never the woman's fault and that miscarriages happen in 20-33% of pregnancies we still blame ourselves, as women have done since the dawn of time. But I have learned that by sharing our grief we can overcome it, that sharing it somehow lessens the burden. There is so much grief that comes with a miscarriage, anything to help alleviate that pain should be welcomed.

I'd also like to give my most heartfelt thanks to wonderful people in my life who helped my through this. My incredible husband, Fernando, who took care of me both physically and emotionally for weeks. For my boss, Darcy, who is the most comforting person I've ever met in my life, and who helped me realize that all my feelings are valid. For Lauren who drove 3 hours to cheer me up. For Ashley who let me complain via text and sent me flowers. For Nicole who checked in on and comforted me everyday from a thousand miles away. And for my mother who constantly reminded me that I was not alone in this. I love you all.

- Taylor

Home Sweet Colorado Home

Back in May we bought our first house. I haven't posted a lot of pictures anywhere because we were busy setting everything up but now that we have almost everything unpacked I thought I'd share some photos with you all!

So this is from our realtors website because it's currently dark here but it's from last fall

From this winter when we put in our offer, everything was dead :(

Living room (excuse the dogs eating in the back :) )

Kitchen

I was most excited about the double oven you can't see in this picture!

The ceiling in the living room and the cut outs in the wall really sold us

It's a 3 bedroom home but really only the master is set up

We had to buy 3 bookshelves to accommodate my growing book collection

Fernando was most excited about the giant garage! 

We also have a giant back yard but haven't had to time to start working on it yet. Since it sat vacant for 8 months the backyard was burnt out and completely dead when we moved in. We plan to fix it up next spring. Overall we love having our own home and the animals really love the space!

How Yoga Saved My Life

This post is a little more personal than my others but I had the realization during my yoga class today that this story needed to be told.

Yoga saved my life.

Yes you read that right, yoga saved my life. Not in some dramatic chain of events way, like an 'I was in a yoga class when my house blew up and therefore I'm alive' scenario. But in an emotional, spiritual, and physical way.

Not many people know that I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts most of my life. The first time I can remember wanting to end my life I was only 12 years old. I was getting bullied a lot at school and my home life was far from ideal. This continued off and on through high school and college. Although I was relatively functional throughout all of this, I wasn't happy, and I certainly wasn't thriving. Then, at 5:00am on my 23rd birthday, I discovered yoga and my life has been dramatically different since then.

During my first yoga class I thought I was going to die. I naively chose a hot power yoga class for my first venture into yoga. I remember trying to keep up with the movements and corresponding Sanskrit words all while wondering how it was possible for a human to sweat that much ten minutes into a workout. I had tried almost every form of exercise you could imagine up until then, from team sports like soccer and rugby, to individual activities like swimming, running and spinning but not only was I awful at almost all of them, I also never felt a real connection with the activity. Yoga was different, after one class I felt not only a love for the practice, but a need, my body and my soul needed yoga.

For the first time in my life I felt whole.

Yoga filled a place in my soul that had previously been empty. Disclaimer here: I was NOT in any way shape or form good at yoga at first, actually I'm still not good at it, but that's the beauty of yoga, you don't HAVE to be good at it to practice it, or to love it. It challenged me but in a productive instead of destructive way.

Yoga forced me to concentrate on myself, which I previously had trouble doing because I didn't like myself. Every time I focused on myself all I could see were my faults, yoga taught me to focus on my inner self, which in turn made me love my whole self. It also taught me how to control my breathing, which helped me learn to stop anxiety fueled panic attacks before they become debilitating. My self-confidence is higher than it has ever been, my mind is clearer, I'm more self-assure and self-aware than I ever thought I could be. Yoga taught me to treasure my body and my mind, while recognizing the sacred connection between the two.

The most important thing yoga taught me is to be happy, that everyday I can choose happiness and it opened my eyes to what a beautiful world we live in. Everyday is filled with beauty if you choose to see it. I can confidently say that I haven't had consistent feelings of anxiety, depression, or suicidal tendencies in the almost three years since I started practicing yoga. I've never been happier.

So if you're feeling empty or lost or confused try a yoga class, it just might save your life.

Manitou Incline - Thai Quinoa Salad - Avocado Pesto Tilapia

If you live anywhere near Colorado Springs you know about the Manitou Incline, a mountain trail rising from 6,500ft to 8,590ft altitude, in one mile. It's a legend. The entire trail is full of railroad ties so it's basically like the outdoor stairmaster on steroids. Its dangerous, treacherous, and challenging for even the most seasoned athletes. At points it's so steep you have to use your hands to get up it. Most of all, it's awesome, and a definite must for both residents and visitors of the springs!

at the start of the incline

Fernando's friend, Jason, and me halfway up

Jason's wife, Megan, and me at the top!

After climbing up you hike back down 3 miles of the Barr trail

Running down the Barr trail

Now onto food, since I know that's the real reason most of you come here...

Thai Quinoa Salad

I made this tonight and it was absolutely amazing! (I told you I'm obsessed with quinoa!) Super crunchy and full of flavor, it's also gluten free and vegan if you substitute agave for honey!

Ingredients:

• 1 cup uncooked quinoa

• 2 cups shredded red cabbage

• 1 red bell pepper, diced

• ½ small red onion, diced

• 1 cup shredded carrots

• ¼ cup diced green onions

• ½ cup cashew halves 

Directions:

• For the dressing:

• ¼ cup all natural peanut butter

• 2 teaspoons freshly grated ginger

• 3 tablespoon soy sauce, gluten-free if desired

• 1 tablespoon honey (use agave if vegan)

• 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar

• 1 teaspoon peanut or sesame oil

• 1 teaspoon olive oil

• Water to thin, if necessary

(side note: you could add edamame, chickpeas, and cilantro if desired. I thought these would be great additions but didn't have them. I also squeezed lime over the top when done)

1. To cook quinoa: Rinse quinoa with cold water in mesh strainer. In a medium saucepan, bring 1 ½ cups of water to a boil. Add in quinoa and bring mixture to a boil. Cover, reduce heat to low and let simmer for 15 minutes or until quinoa has absorbed all of the water. Remove from heat and fluff quinoa with fork; place in large bowl and set aside to cool for about 10 minutes. You should have a little over 2 cups of quinoa.
2. To make dressing: Add peanut butter and honey or agave to a medium microwave safe bowl; heat in microwave for 20 seconds. Add in ginger, soy sauce, vinegar, and both peanut (or sesame) and olive oil and stir until mixture is smooth and creamy. If you want a thinner dressing, simply stir in a teaspoon or two of water or olive oil.
3. When quinoa is finished mix with dressing then fold in red pepper, onion, cabbage, and carrots into the quinoa. Garnish with cashews and green onions. Serve chilled or at room temperature, squeeze fresh lime over top before serving.

Avocado Pesto Tilapia

So this recipe is all mine, not derived from another on the internet or out of a cookbook, and it was amazing!

Ingredients: 

2 handfuls grape tomatoes 

4 cloves garlic (smashed)

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 lemon

tilapia (I used 3 large filets)

For Pesto:

1 avocado

1/2 cup basil

1/4 cup lemon juice

3 tablespoons grated romano cheese

2 cloves garlic

1/4 cup olive oil

1/4 teaspoon salt

pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Slice cherry tomatoes in half and toss in 2 tablespoons olive oil, roast at 425F for 10 minutes.

2. Slice lemon into thin round pieces, lay in bottom of casserole pan, lay tilapia on top, top with pesto and tomato garlic mixture. 

3. Bake at 425F until tilapia is done, about 10-15 minutes.

A Quarter Life Crisis and Quinoa

I think I'm having a quarter life crisis. Since I'm 25 that's my best guess. I feel like I knew exactly what I wanted when I was 15, and I know exactly what I want now at 25, those 10 years in-between were a mess. What was a thinking? Or doing? Although I have a feeling that most people feel like this at one point or another, it's still strange to feel like I was drunk for 10 years (which I literally was for a lot of it). I'm sure I'll figure out my life here soon, but I feel like I should have it figured out by now, and I don't.

My life crisis impulse decision was chopping off 12 inches of my hair... at least it was cheaper than buying a sports car...

Now to my favorite subject, FOOD!


And I have a confession to make...


I'm in love with quinoa.


It is literally the perfect grain, high in protein and fiber and super filling, and it goes with just about anything. As a vegetarian (technically a pescatarian since I eat fish) most of my food choices revolve around making sure I get enough protein, quinoa makes that so much easier. And since I promised a recipe post I decided to give out my favorite quinoa recipes!

Salmon & Kale Quinoa Salad

This is my all time favorite quinoa dish, it's just amazing. I adapted mine from a recipe from The Realistic Nutritionist (http://nutritionfor.us/)


Ingredients:

• 1lb salmon filet, cooked and shredded

• About 4 cups kale leaves (one bunch)

• 4 cloves garlic, minced

• 1 tablespoon olive oil

• 1 cup dry quinoa

• 2 cups water

• About 3 tablespoons toasted pine nuts

• 1/2 cup parmesan cheese

• 1/3 cup red wine vinegar

• 3 tablespoons olive oil

• 2 teaspoons honey

• Salt and pepper

Directions:

1. Bring the four cups of water to a boil. Add quinoa. Lower heat and cover and cook for about 15 – 20 minutes, stirring sporadically, until all of the liquid has been absorbed. 

1. Meanwhile, heat olive oil. Add garlic and cook until slightly fragrant, about 2 minutes. Add kale leaves and cook until wilted, about 2 more minutes. Remove from heat and stir into the quinoa. Add fish, chopped artichokes, pine nuts and cheese, stir to combine.

1. To make the dressing, whisk the vinegar, olive oil, honey and salt and pepper. Pour over the salad and mix to combine. Serve immediately.

(my photo)

These next two dishes I made up as I was cooking them. I keep many bulk ingredients on hand and make up recipes whenever I'm feeling too lazy to follow a recipe or we're out of food and I don't want to go to the grocery store, quinoa is one of those bulk items.

Mexican Quinoa 

I sautéed 1 onion and one jalapeño (diced) in some olive oil until soft, added some paprika and Tajin seasoning, stirred, then added about two tablespoons tomato paste and stirred again. Add in one can black beans, one can diced tomatoes, and cooked quinoa (whatever amount 1cup makes after cooked). Top with cheese and avocado if you want! 

And my Mexican husband approved!

Mediterranean Spiced Quinoa Scramble with Zucchini and Tomatoes

I just chopped up 4 zucchini's and two tomatoes, sautéed them in a pan with olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and Mediterranean spiced sea salt (this stuff is AWESOME), added the cooked quinoa (1 cup uncooked = a ton cooked) and threw in some fresh cilantro and a little lemon juice then topped it with feta at the table!

Note: I use organic everything so these zucchini's were pretty small, you may only need 2 or 3 depending on their size

Happy Birthday America, You're No Longer Number One

For the 4th of July weekend Fernando and I (and the puppies) took a trip up to Grand Lake to visit our friend Lauren. I've known Lauren since I was 11, she was 16 and my swim team coach, now she lives out here in Colorado working as a law enforcement officer for the forest service. We had a ton of fun and so did the dogs! It was nice to get away from the city for a bit, even with all the rich tourists in Grand Lake (luckily we stayed in Lauren's cabin nowhere near them).

For America's birthday Mexico was nice enough to take over the fattest country in the world spot! Fernando doesn't think this is as amusing as I do...

Anyway here are some pictures from our trip:

The dogs loved Grand Lake!

I'm scared for our future children...

Fernando bet me I couldn't climb this rock, clearly he lost.

I'll be posting more recipes here in the next week, I've had a lot requested recently!

Gwen Graduates High School!

So I officially feel old... my youngest sister, Gwen, has graduated high school. Gwen and Abby are not my biological sisters, or by marriage, but I've been spending a good amount of time with them since I was 8 years old. By this point we just consider each other sisters. I can't believe she'll be 19 years old tomorrow, it seems like just yesterday she was the cutest two year old ever. And now I sound like a sappy mom. Is sappy sister better? Slightly?

Congrats Gwen!!